Are You A Person Or A Neglected Houseplant?

A quick quiz to help you decide whether you’re still human.

Photo by Janelle Hiroshige on Unsplash

It’s been a long winter, and you might be wondering, “Am I even a human being anymore, or have I turned into a houseplant?”

The following will help you decide whether you are in fact a neglected Dracaena massangeanas, or perhaps the more hardy Monstera deliciosa or “Swiss cheese plant”, or whether you’re just a particularly pathetic example of Homo sapiens.

  1. You’re trapped in a too-small container.
  2. You don’t drink enough water.
  3. You stare longingly through the window at the sun, but then you wilt if it touches you for more than 30 minutes.
  4. You still haven’t bloomed.
  5. You have some kind of skin condition that Google says is caused by “mites”.
  6. Anything under 70 degrees is too cold, and anything over 70 degrees is too hot.
  7. Pieces of you are falling off.
  8. You’re not very good at small talk.
  9. You’ve discovered how easily you can be replaced.
  10. You usually just stand in the corner at parties.
  11. You can convert CO2 into oxygen.
  12. Nobody can remember your name.
  13. People are always saying to you, “I don’t know what you need.”
  14. The farthest you’ve travelled this year is from one side of the living room to the other.
  15. Nobody ever takes you on vacation.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. I ❤ dogs. @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

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