It’s been a long winter, and you might be wondering, “Am I even a human being anymore, or have I turned into a houseplant?”
The following will help you decide whether you are in fact a neglected Dracaena massangeanas, or perhaps the more hardy Monstera deliciosa or “Swiss cheese plant”, or whether you’re just a particularly pathetic example of Homo sapiens.
- You’re trapped in a too-small container.
- You don’t drink enough water.
- You stare longingly through the window at the sun, but then you wilt if it touches you for more than 30 minutes.
- You still haven’t bloomed.
- You have some kind of skin condition that Google says is caused by “mites”.
- Anything under 70 degrees is too cold, and anything over 70 degrees is too hot.
- Pieces of you are falling off.
- You’re not very good at small talk.
- You’ve discovered how easily you can be replaced.
- You usually just stand in the corner at parties.
- You can convert CO2 into oxygen.
- Nobody can remember your name.
- People are always saying to you, “I don’t know what you need.”
- The farthest you’ve travelled this year is from one side of the living room to the other.
- Nobody ever takes you on vacation.