Humor
An Open Letter To The Person Who Runs The Bagel Cutting Machine At The Bagel Factory
You had one job.
Dear Person Who Runs The Bagel Cutting Machine At The Bagel Factory:
I know it doesn’t mean much to you, but I've been looking forward to this bagel since 10:00 p.m. last night. You can only imagine the superhuman effort I dredged up from the depths of my very being to not just go ahead and eat it last night.
But that would’ve screwed up my intermittent fasting schedule which is 2:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. every other day and 9:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. on weekends unless it’s a leap year.
It’s not even a good bagel. It’s from Aldi’s, so it’s kind of gummy and has a slightly metallic flavor. I think it has blueberries, or at least it has blue spots all over it.
No matter. I planned on toasting this baby up and slathering it with my condiment of choice —or maybe even a fried egg! Sometimes I’m fancy that way.
All I needed was a bagel, of whatever dubious provenance, sliced in two basically similar halves. I’m really not picky. You could put cream cheese on a truck tire and I would eat it.
But no.
What we have here is an abomination. The bagel guillotine or however it is you…
