HUMOR

An Open Letter To Shoe Companies Who Only Carry Their Ugly Styles In Wide

I don’t understand why I should be punished for having giant honkin’ paddles for feet.

Bev Potter
2 min readFeb 7, 2024

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That’s it. That’s the choices. Gah! (Photo by Riyan Ong on Unsplash)

Dear Skechers™:

I speak today as the voice of the voiceless, not to mention the choiceless: people who have wide, horrific splay feet from years of walking around on this planet in the only way we knew how — upright.

Somehow our feet weren’t up to the task and now we can only wear shoes marked WIDE, or God help us, EXTRA WIDE.

This is not my fault.

I don’t understand why I don’t get to wear cool, colorful, bitchin’ styles like all the normies. I’m being discriminated against just because I’m differently footed.

I’m writing my congressperson, whoever that is.

Look, you don’t have to make a million pairs, just a few so that we poor, pathetic, beaver-tail looking, flapjack-feeted can go about shod in festive footwear like everybody else.

I want to wear these.

Ooh, or these:

But noooooooooooooooooo.

Apparently I’m not good enough for attractive footwear and can only slither around like Gollum, fondling the shoes at Shoe Carnival while whispering, “My precious.”

Sure, I can get one size up, but it’s not the same. Then there’s too much room in the toe and my bunions are still being squeezed. They need room to breathe and grow, to spread out, to be the hideous bony monstrosities they were meant to be.

I don’t want to “settle”. This isn’t one of my relationships with men.

On the plus side, all of the hideous styles are super cheap because nobody fucking wants them, do they? Nobody wants to pay good money to wear Nurse Ratchet shoes.

The style I normally wear comes in four colors: white, black, black with maybe a white accent if Skechers is feeling generous, and sometimes beige, which is actually an improvement.

That’s fine. I’ve resigned myself to a life of bland tarsal adornment.

I didn’t want your stupid shoes anyway.

Sincerely,

Bev “Paddlefoot” Potter

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Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is bevpotter.substack.com