HUMOR

An Open Letter To Shoe Companies Who Only Carry Their Ugly Styles In Wide

I don’t understand why I should be punished for having giant honkin’ paddles for feet.

That’s it. That’s the choices. Gah! (Photo by Riyan Ong on Unsplash)

Dear Skechers™:

I speak today as the voice of the voiceless, not to mention the choiceless: people who have wide, horrific splay feet from years of walking around on this planet in the only way we knew how — upright.

Somehow our feet weren’t up to the task and now we can only wear shoes marked WIDE, or God help us, EXTRA WIDE.

This is not my fault.

I don’t understand why I don’t get to wear cool, colorful, bitchin’ styles like all the normies. I’m being discriminated against just because I’m differently footed.

I’m writing my congressperson, whoever that is.

Look, you don’t have to make a million pairs, just a few so that we poor, pathetic, beaver-tail looking, flapjack-feeted can go about shod in festive footwear like everybody else.

I want to wear these.