I know you think my boss is just sitting in the dark in his office like a robot on standby (don’t I wish) waiting for your call, but he’s not.
I know this is hard to believe, but he has other clients. Lots of other clients. And they all have court dates too.
So when you ask on Wednesday if he can go to mediation with you on Friday (btw, attorneys don’t normally go to mediation — you and your ex-wife are supposed to act like adults and work it the fuck out amongst yourselves) the answer is, “No, you fucking moron, he can’t. Do you call up your doctor and go, ‘Hey, doc, can you see me in two days at 3:00 p.m.?’”
You know what your doctor says? “Sure, I can see you at 2:00 p.m. on a Thursday four months from now.”
Or say you’ve had a case pending with your ex-baby mama for the last, oh, five months in a court that’s 90 minutes away and you have a hearing Monday at 9:00 a.m. and you woke up this morning and thought,
“Shit, maybe I should get an attorney.”
Of course my boss is going to tell you, “SURE, NO PROBLEM, I’LL BE THERE!” because he wants your money even though he has five hearings at the same time in a local court and he’s actually covering other hearings in that same court for another attorney, who he will promptly fuck over by backing out so he can maneuver some way to be three counties away on Monday morning.
And guess whose Thursday is now well and truly fucked because she has to maneuver a way for him to be three counties away on Monday morning?
Or, hey, idiot client who barraged us with scathing emails and texts on Saturday because he was “OUTSIDE THE COURT AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S CLOSED. WHERE ARE YOU? YOU’RE LATE!” for a hearing that’s scheduled for
(wait for it)
And finally, dear pervert who kinda sorta molested his daughters and paid an insane amount of money to get his charge reduced to something that would keep him off the sexual predator registry — guess what?
You’re still going to jail.