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An Advice Column Written By A Bitter, Middle-Aged Divorcée
Who may or may not be me (it’s definitely me).
Dear MAD:
My husband sometimes hogs the covers at night. What should I do?
— Chilly
Dear Chilly:
Slash his tires. Actually, it’s really hard to slash somebody’s tires. It’s better to scatter nails or broken glass underneath his car at night. Remember to wear dark colors and a Nixon mask — every Nosy Nellie in the neighborhood has a Ring doorbell and the prosecuting attorney will subpoena every last one to show the jury video of you belly-crawling across the lawn with a Hello Kitty backpack full of empty beer bottles.
— MAD
Dear MAD:
My husband asked me to spank him last night. Is that weird?
— Uncertain
Dear Uncertain:
The best way to spank your husband is to clean out the bank accounts now before his attorney spanks you with a restraining order. Next, open 27 useless store credit cards in his name (like Victoria’s Secret or Forever 21) so he’s maxed out and he has to call every single credit reporting agency to place a freeze on his credit. Finally, tell the IRS he has $500,000 in unreported lottery winnings. Have…
