Who needs a therapist when you have a sentient Pringles tube sitting on your kitchen counter?

Alexa skills are fun. For example, I was going to write a satirical piece in which I imagined what it would be like if Alexa was your therapist.

Guess what? Alexa actually has a therapy skill. Because of course it does. I assume an “Alexa, watch the kids while I head to the bar” skill can’t be far behind.

I was thinking about how great it would be to have a robot therapist. Who wants to actually bathe, put on clothes, get in a car, and drive somewhere to see a licensed human being who might actually be able to help my plethora of problems? Not this agoraphobe.

My new therapist’s office looks amazingly like my living room. I can only imagine therapy in my living room will be that much more beneficial because I am surrounded by the things I love, such as my remote control, and the mounds of clothes I’m too lazy to put away. Maybe Amazon has a “put clothes away” skill in the works. I could really use that.

“Alexa, tell my therapist I’m feeling sad.”

Don’t be sad. Turn that frown upside down.

Wow, that was easy. I’m not sad anymore. Alexa’s creepy monotone really got to the root of the problem and cured me. Don’t be sad! it commanded.

Since we’re already headed down this rabbit hole, let’s see what other fun Alexa skills we can find to improve our mental health and make us want to die less.

“Alexa, open Relax My Dog.”

This one is a winner. My dog looks bored, or maybe that’s just her face, but personally I’m finding this to be incredibly soothing. For some reason, I am now imagining myself as a goldfish. The music has that sort of watery, New Age feel. But that’s okay. Goldfish seem pretty chill, probably because they have no idea that life is pain and we’re all doomed to die alone. A goldfish sees his reflection and thinks, “Oh! A new friend!” I wish I was a goldfish.

I’m not going to even explore the Diazepam skill (yes, this is a real thing). Unless it means it will get me some? No? Then don’t waste my time.

“Alexa, tell Talk Me Down I’m tempted.”

Expect more of yourself, and then rise to the occasion. You know you can do it.

I’ve never actually seen a therapist, but this sounds remarkably like something I think a therapist would say. Also, this would make a good fortune cookie fortune.

In fact, I get most of my mental health advice from fortune cookies because my health insurance doesn’t cover mental health. Why should it? Your mind isn’t your body. You can’t put stitches in your mind. Duh. This makes perfect sense to me.

“Alexa, be my friend.”

I’m happy to be your friend.

“Alexa, thank you.”

Of course. Have a good night.

Who needs therapy?

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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