Member-only story
Climate Change Fiction
A Very Climate Change Christmas
We’re not swimming from Cleveland to Newark, so shut up and get in the boat.
Does everybody have their raincoat on? Boots? Masks?
Okay, everybody into the boat.
Stop complaining. Would you prefer to swim from Cleveland to Newark? No, I didn’t think so. Whoever sits up front can help me look out for debris. We can play “spot the top of a house sticking out of the water.” That’s always fun.
Yes, I know grandma’s bathroom smells funny. That’s the cheap biomass converter she uses. Yes, the “poop burner”, ha ha. I can’t wait until you guys stop thinking that’s funny.
You know, Santa’s sleigh wasn’t always pulled by dolphins. There used to be these things called “reindeer.” They looked like cows with tree limbs on their heads.
Don’t ask me what a tree limb is. You’ve seen pictures of trees.
And Santa used to have “elves” as his assistants. They weren’t called “differently heighted people” when I was a kid. Yes, I know, I’m old. Just wait until you’re old. Which seems unlikely at this point, but you never know.
