Humor

A Quick Note About Why I Won’t Be Decorating With Pumpkins This Year

God knows I love decorative gourd season.

Photo by Sunira Moses on Unsplash

Hey everybody!

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t put any pumpkins out on my lawn as decoration this year.

God knows I love decorative gourd season above all other harvest-based holidays! It’s the least I can do to honor this nation’s agrarian roots which were nourished by the suffering and oppression of millions by entitled, disease-ridden white guys!

If you will recall, last year there was a series of unfortunate events precipitated by the tendency of pumpkin stems to snap off in your hand when you least expect it. Sure, the stems look like super convenient handles for lifting a 25-pound Cucurbita pepo, but much like off-brand condoms, you can’t trust them!

All I wanted to do was pick up one ornamental squash out of the 50 I had dotted around my front porch, back porch, fire pit, steps, lawn, flower beds, mailbox post, and driveway apron, and move it a few inches to the left.

Well, sure enough, the stem came right off in my hand and that giant orange orb went rolling towards the street with, frankly, surprising alacrity.

What are the odds that Mrs. Meyers would be out for a brief stroll at the exact moment my errant jättiläiskurpits, as the Finns call it, hurtled down a slight incline, knocking her walker out from under her and catapulting her straight into the street?

Seriously, I should play the lottery!

Thank God the garbage truck was already slowing down when she bounced into the turn lane.

And despite what everybody seems to think, that’s where I feel my responsibility ends. I don’t see how I have anything to do with a weirdly large fruit ricocheting off a truck tire, crashing through a plate-glass window, and crushing the Feinbergs’ pomeranian (RIP Bonbon).

Anyway, after all the damages were added up, I got socked with a bill for $24,382 ($20,000 of which was for a replacement pomeranian, which seems a little high. Adopt, don’t shop, guys!).

And that’s why, sadly, I won’t be decorating with pumpkins this year. The whole incident has just made me very squash-adverse. I can’t even look at a butternut.

But the good news is, I already have a herd of live reindeer lined up for Christmas. So exciting!!!