Humor

A Letter To Santa

This is an intervention.

Photo by hue12 photography on Unsplash

Dear Santa,

This is a safe space. We’re all friends here. No, there aren’t any cookies and milk.

See, that’s part of the problem. You clearly suffer from metabolic syndrome, symptoms of which include high blood pressure, high blood sugar, excess body fat around the waist, and abnormal cholesterol levels. The syndrome increases even a mythical person’s risk for heart attack and stroke.

What if you die in some poor kid’s chimney? Have you thought about that?

Talk about trauma. That kid’ll buy some lucky therapist a second home in Vale.

We’d also like you to consider dialing back the rampant consumerism. Christmas should be about family and friends gathering together in love and fellowship. Not little Jimmy asking for a PlayStation 5.

Which, if an extra one were to fall off the sleigh, I could make it worth your while. Just sayin’.

And then there’s this alleged “workshop” at the “North Pole”. We have it on good authority that you’re actually using child labor in a condemned warehouse in Queens.

Oh, sure, suddenly it’s all “I want an attorney” and “I have…