Humor
A Day In The Life of Taylor Swift
[7:00 AM]
My assistant, Ashleiaegh, rubs my cheek with a newborn kitten. I awaken to the smell of fresh-baked organic vegan gluten-free muffins that taste just like normal muffins because I’m Taylor Fucking Swift.
[7:01 AM]
Attach 6-foot long robot legs.
[7:30 AM]
Bathe in body-temperature humming bird tears gathered by hand in the mountains of Bolivia by indigenous women who are paid a fair wage for their labor.
[8:00 AM]
Write five chart-topping songs while brushing teeth.
[8:05 AM]
Think of new ways to torture Jake Gyllenhaal.
[9:00 AM]
Summon the demon Asmodeus to whom I have sold my soul in exchange for eternal youth, beauty, riches, and the daily solution to Wordle.
[10:00 AM to Noon]
Stare moodily into space while bundled in an organic sheep’s wool throw sipping ashwagandha tea to treat my blistering anxiety disorder and thinking of words that rhyme with “willow” other than “pillow”.
[Noon to 1:00 PM]
Eat the vegan lunch prepared by my personal chef, and then slip a $20 to my assistant to…
