[DOG DOCTOR] “Hey, there! So how’s Bev been doing?” [MY DOG] “Good, good. Her hair is shiny. We W-A-L-K a lot.” “Great! Let’s get her up on the scale.” [ME] *refuses to move* “Sorry, she’s a little stubborn. Come on, let’s get up there! …

We’ve all made this mistake at some point in our lives. — It’s easy to think that Ellen Chung, Jonathan Gerrish, their baby daughter, and their dog died from something sinister. When their bodies were first discovered on August 17, 2021, with no obvious signs of trauma, investigators ran through a list that included lightning, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, cyanide exposure, illegal…

Boost me, baby. — There’s always The Question: “Which arm do you want it in?” You’d think by now, after receiving hundreds of shots over my lifetime, I wouldn’t hesitate. “The left one. WAIT! — the right one. No, the left one. Let me think about it.” Pharmacist: *sigh* Each arm has its pros…

[MY DOG] “Do you promise to be good?” [ME] *totally lying* “Of course.” “Okay, you can pick out one toy.” [ME]: *grabbing all the toys* “I said one. Is this your favorite? OMG, it’s $25. Here, you can have a tennis ball. It’s orange.” [ME]: “This is bullshit.” “Okay, what…

That’s not entirely true. I frantically dumped it all last week and got $168 of my $1,000 back. My rich friend invested heavily in XRP and raved on and on about his rate of return and how he’d bought his mom a house or something. When people tell me about…

Where do I sign up? — I’ve been vaguely aware of companionship services for the last year or so, but they seem to be proliferating. One is actually called “Rent-A-Daughter”, which I find both amusing and aggravating. Of course it’s “daughter” and not “son.” Daughters are expected to be on call 24/7 for elderly parents. …

My parents never played with me. That wasn’t a thing when I was growing up. If I was lucky, my mom would pull out a board game on winter nights when the farm was quiet and needed less attention. We would play Sorry! while my dad watched TV and dozed…

Dear Morons: I know you think my boss is just sitting in the dark in his office like a robot on standby (don’t I wish) waiting for your call, but he’s not. I know this is hard to believe, but he has other clients. Lots of other clients. …