Which bad parent are you? — There are many cool names for bad parenting styles and they all sound dangerous! Here’s a handy guide for pinpointing just what kind of bad parent you are. Remember that bad parenting styles can change over time, so print this out and put it on the fridge to remind yourself…

I hate being sober. Everybody talks about how great it is being sober, how clear they feel. How “It’s a struggle, but life is so much better now” and on and on. I’ve been sober for 30 years and it fucking sucks. I think about alcohol every day. I think…

With apologies to Nick Flynn — My mom is old. Really old. Like, OMFG, please do not let me get that old. So today we loaded up for a ride to the bank to break into her safety deposit box, which is the one thing I can’t make payable on death. I either get into it…

We’ve all made this mistake at some point in our lives. — It’s easy to think that Ellen Chung, Jonathan Gerrish, their baby daughter, and their dog died from something sinister. When their bodies were first discovered on August 17, 2021, with no obvious signs of trauma, investigators ran through a list that included lightning, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, cyanide exposure, illegal…

And I’m breaking several international wildlife treaties. — Look, I know I asked repeatedly for a hippopotamus for Christmas, and in fact insisted that only a hippopotamus would do, but I think I was probably speaking metaphorically. Or maybe I meant that game, Hungry Hungry Hippos, since I am, after all, a small child, and no one in…

Volume II — Service fees. Which are NOT a delivery fee, they are NOT a tax, and they are NOT a tip. So what exactly are they? Bullshit is what they are. Rejection. Listening to the television at MAXIMUM VOLUME. And speaking of which, Guy Fieri. Can the Food Network not find anybody…

Please plan accordingly. — Hey, fam! Just thought I’d let you know that from now on, I’ve decided to use an hourglass to tell time! I know some of you are going to say, “What the hell is wrong with you?” and “Have you been licking caulk again?” I’d like to emphasize that my…

The American healthcare system has entered its Soviet Russia phase. — I mean, it’s my own fault. I looked at the websites, and I read the reviews, and a little piece of me actually believed that my mom would be comfortable and cared for. That the facility would be bright and sunny and welcoming. That I could still have a life…

An email from your friends at Chase. — ABOUT THIS MESSAGE This service email provides important updates about your Chase relationship and gives us a chance to touch base and ask, “Are you okay? Should we call somebody?” YOUR HIGHLIGHTS From Jul 31 — Aug 27: Your credit score dropped 243 POINTS. Next month, it might go up…